Last Man Stands Alone
by Little Escapist
Summary: "The last man stands alone - and neither of us wanted to do that."
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: Supernatural belongs to Eric Kripke. I'm just playing around. _  
_Summary: "The last man stands alone - but neither of us wanted to do that." First chapter is season 4 from Sam's POV, second chapter Dean's POV on season 5. So spoilers from the end of season three to the end of season five._

Last Man Stands Alone

1.

I've never been as happy as I when I saw him. Well, not happy right away, first I thought that Hell had taken a new step and sent him back as a demon or something. But then Bobby stopped my knife, yelled that it was really him. It really was.

My brother had somehow come back from Hell.

He had always been there for me and he was the only person I could trust one hundred per cent. He was everything to me: my big brother, the person who could drive away nightmares and who helped me whatever happened. Now I even owed him my life. He had been four months in Hell because of me. He had made a deal about my soul so that I'd live instead of him. He got one year to live, and then – to Hell. When I found out that I had died and he had made a deal to get me back, I was mad at him. We, if anyone, should know that what's once dead should stay dead. And the thing was so selfish from him; he didn't want to live alone but was ready to force me to live without him. Well, I knew that in his place I'd have done the same, but I was still mad. He had needed me back so desperately, just to leave me alone after one single _year_. I was going to be the last Winchester. Like winning some dull game, last man standing. But I didn't want to be the winner of that game.

When I saw my brother die, I died myself. When my brother was in Hell, I had my very own Hell here, on Earth. My Hell was a cold, empty world without my brother. I barely could live like that, alone and desperate. The only thing left was hunting. I had never wanted to be a hunter, but there was no way I would have given it up. My brother had gone to Hell because of me.

He means to me as much as I mean to him. I wanted to make a deal myself, for his soul, for his returning, but no crossroads demon would do it. I went after as many as I could find, but no one of them wanted to co-operate. Not even one. I was dead inside, cold, bare and alone. Most of all, alone. I was the last man standing, and I stood alone. I preferred dying to living. I made my mind as cold as I felt; I dried the tears of weakness and stopped whining. My brother was dead and wasn't coming back. _I_ hadn't been able to get him back. I buried my feelings deep inside, to stay there forever. Alone I went on the path that was the fate of the Winchesters: I kept hunting. Alone, without my brother on my side, only his car with me. The car broke my heart every time I drove, because it had always been Dean who drove. The car was his baby, his beloved, and now I drove her. I sat in her without my brother. It felt so wrong.

In the middle of all this misery came Ruby. She really got back to me. She gave me the keys to solve my situation. She told me that there was still a chance for revenge. Ruby told me what I could do with a little help from her – I could kill Lilith, the demon in charge, the very same that held my brother's soul. That could be possible with Ruby's help, with her blood.

The solution seemed so clear, that was exactly what I'd do. I was alone and yearned for revenge for my brother's death. She told me what to do and was the only, tiny comfort I'd ever get. She helped me, made my life almost livable again. The revenge became the meaning of my whole being. And I wasn't completely alone anymore when I had her. She wasn't there all the time like Dean had been, but she was there well enough. She was the only thing I could get near physically and mentally. She gave me some escape from my 24/7 misery.

But then Dean was suddenly back. With me again, walking, talking, breathing, and driving his baby. Everything changed. My walls that I had grown to keep my emotions away were so fast coming unnecessary. But still I couldn't let them go. I stayed cold and it was difficult to cope with all those things. I had assumed that I'd never see my brother again: I had hidden all my feelings somewhere deep never to be found. I had thought that I'd live the rest of my life without Dean, that I was the only family left. And then he was back again. The walls I had made were thick and strong, I had no way to get myself free from the chains I had made to be able to live. Part of me knew that I should lower my walls, fall apart in front of Dean so that he could fix me like he always did. But I couldn't do it. There was no way I would let myself break into pieces, not even for my brother's eyes. I had been hiding my feelings so long and so well that it'd be too painful to let them flow free again. I couldn't be released. And the thing that I drank demon blood. Dean would never accept it, never understand my meanings. He'd hate me for it and that was a thing I wouldn't be able to cope with. I couldn't tell him that, and there were other things, too.

I suppose that was the thing that made us drift apart. Secrets, my walls keeping my emotions cold, his pain that hadn't left though he was out of Hell now. Hell made us strangers to each other. All these secrets untold between us made us something else than what we used to be. We should have opened up, but we couldn't. It was just too painful for both of us. Those four months ached in our memories, and we didn't have a way to help ourselves or each other. The time spent alone had left scars, that time made us go on alone, though the other was right there. Although we spent time together, we were close all the time like before - we weren't mentally the Winchester brothers anymore. We weren't "we" anymore. I was Sam with demons and he was Dean with angels. We were too far from those guys we had been before Dean was taken away from me.

There were times when I could feel his mind next to mine, the tense easing, but it never was the same it had once been.

It hurt me where I had buried my feelings. I wanted to be Dean's little bro Sammy again, but it felt like the most impossible thing to happen. I've seen many things that could be called impossible – monsters, demons, evil things, I've even seen my own brother to go to Hell and back literally – and then as simple thing as being a brother seemed impossible to me. Like I wasn't Dean's Sammy anymore. My senses stirred when I heard Ruby call me Sammy but I didn't say a thing about it to her. Dean and Dad were the only ones to call me that… and now I was called so by a demon?

I wanted to get back to normal – what could hardly be called normal by anyone else – without these angels and the apocalypse coming. I wanted it to be just me and Dean again with some monsters to hunt and kill. Nothing more. But there I was, in the middle of this battle between Heaven and Hell. There God seemed to play no role, and demons were about to win. How could the fate of the whole world depend on two men, like the angels seemed to mean? How could it depend on me and my brother? It felt so wrong, so totally wrong that I just wished it to be over. But when there's an apocalypse coming, you can't just turn your back and walk away to live your life.

So I and Dean ended up arguing. We weren't snapping at each other anymore like we used to: Dean never told me that I was a bitch, I never answered that he was a jerk. The brotherly way of arguing seemed to belong to the past, and instead of that we were arguing really. We were as cold as stones. We went and came without telling each other. I missed the old times. I missed the pissed off tune in Dean's voice where still could be heard that he was laughing inside and he wasn't truly meaning the things he said. Now the tune was cold and almost emotionless. It was not even near the way Dean Winchester should have sounded like. Although I had been so glad having him back, I had missed my second chance.

I'd been dead when he had died, and when he got unexpectedly back, everything started to go wrong. I couldn't get it. He was there, everything was supposed to be fine, but still it wasn't. Everything was wrong. It was like we weren't brothers anymore.

Last man stands alone – until the end.

That's the bitter thing I came to notice. Though Dean was back, my whole life was back, I felt like I was alone. Like Dean still wasn't truly there. He had his angels, Castiel, and I had Ruby the demon. We were totally drifting apart. I wanted to stop that stupid floating that took me every second further away from my own brother.

Finally the bomb exploded. He saw me drinking demon blood. Dean and Bobby locked me up to that panic room of Bobby's. It didn't help at all, it just made things worse. The hallucinations tortured me, made me scream. Worst of the visions was Dean. He called me a monster. It hurt me, hurt like hell, but the deepest wound was still to come. Because somewhere I was able to realize that it was a vision-Dean telling me horrible things.

Somehow I got out and fled while Dean and Bobby were sleeping. I took a car and drove, the aching inside me. I took a motel room and met Ruby, and – of course, he is Dean – my brother found me with her. Dean wanted to kill her, but I stopped him – which I regret now bitterly. It all ended up to a fight between me and my brother.

It wasn't one of these weird, half-meant wrestling of ours, it was a real fight that was meant to hurt. And he said me something that made my world shake again. He repeated the words of the vision and told me that I was a monster. I knew it couldn't be a vision anymore, I knew this man was really Dean, my beloved brother, _my everything_ telling me that I was a monster. For a moment I really could have killed him, my fingers were on his throat. But I couldn't, after all it was Dean, though he had just hurt me more than anyone ever had. So I just walked away from my brother. He told me not to return if I went now. I was breaking inside. My brother thought that I was a monster. I felt sick when I left him there, lying on broken glass. When I closed the door behind me I knew that I might never see him again. Not because of Hell or something like that, but because of myself. He thought that I was a monster. Maybe he didn't even want to know me anymore.

Time passed. I found Ruby, and we went to get the Lilith's puppet nurse. At some point Dean called me, but I didn't answer. He left me a message, but it took some time before I could listen to it. In fact, I wasn't sure if I wanted to hear what he had to say, but I wasn't ready to do the job. Not yet. I wasn't sure anymore if I even could kill Lilith. What would it be worth, without Dean? This plan didn't feel so good anymore. Everything seemed to fade away, I felt sick and just wanted to flee. I wanted more time, so I listened to the message.

It was horrible. I had thought that Dean wouldn't be so idiot that he'd call me just to mock me more, just to tell me how he felt about me and what he thought of me. For a second I had hoped that he had called to make peace. But no, hope wasn't for me. He told me again that I was a monster. I could feel my heart breaking to even smaller pieces than I had thought was possible. And with that my anger grew. I needed to kill Lilith. She had started it all, and she'd also end it by dying. I was to get the revenge by ending it all.

I was just about to give her the final blow, when I heard a yell. That was no one else but my brother. That was Dean. Dean was there, shouting my name. He had come to me after all! That stopped me completely for a while. I had just enough time to wonder how those doors were closed. And Dean just kept calling my name. Again, again. _"SAM!"_

But then Lilith had the strength to make fun of me. I was so confused of all this – Dean was back? – that I didn't almost realize it. But then I felt the anger rushing inside me. I killed Lilith. I killed the monster that took my brother from me and made my life something not worth living.

If I had thought that it would end something, no. If I had thought everything was wrong already, it wasn't. The whole, horrible truth revealed to me, when Ruby started to talk. The cliché of bad guys talking too much became real, she told me that she had served Lilith all the time, that _I_ had broken the last seal. She had trained me to do it the whole time. I really was a monster. I was the one who made the apocalypse to reality. I couldn't even think anymore, this was all too much to understand. I had lost Dean again, I had killed Lilith and so made it all true and Ruby was evil after all. I just wanted to fall to pieces, to fall right there. I really was the monster. Dean had been right.

But when Dean got in, I saw the look in his eyes. I saw the wrath pouring towards Ruby because she had made me to this. He was mad at her because of what she had done. And I saw that he was my brother again. He was my big brother, my Dean. I took Ruby's hands and held her still while my brother killed her with her own knife. The bitch fell down on the floor, lifeless, when I let go of her. All that mattered for two seconds was that Dean was there. He was there, _my big brother_, and I was his Sammy again. We had no time for anything – the end was about to begin. All I could do was grab his sleeve to my fingers, like it was the only stable thing that existed. And so did he, my jacket was wrapped to his fingers as well. Dean was holding on me the same way I held him. My brother was back, and if I had had the time, I'd have pulled him close to me and hold on for an eternity just to make sure he was truly there, my own big brother Dean.

But there was no time. We could just stand there and stare – together, brothers Winchester.

We were now the last men standing, and we would fall together. This time there'd be no last one, but last two. We weren't going to leave each other the last – because he'd have to stand alone. And neither of us wanted to do that.

_A/N: This chapter was first supposed to be a one shot, but then the I saw the season five and the second chapter screamed to be written... So there's going to be a second chapter soon. I wrote this one last winter after I had seen season four, and so this is the first Supernatural fanfic I've ever written. I must admit, too, that English isn't my first language, so I wish you could tell me if there are any mistakes. I want to improve my English and I would appreciate it if you'd help me. Thank you for reading. _


	2. Chapter 2

_So, here's the second chapter - it took pretty long for me to finish it, but it's finally here anyway. _

2.

Sometimes my brother can be so stupid comparing to his education – but that's not what matters. He's my brother, and that's the thing that matters.

After he freed Lucifer and the apocalypse was upon us, I was mad at him. I had all the reasons to be. He had trusted a demon over me; he had kept so many secrets that we barely knew each other. We weren't brothers anymore. I had felt him with me when Lucifer rose for a brief moment but after that we were strangers again. For a time we kept together. I couldn't trust him anymore after the things he had done. We were just so accustomed to be with each other that we stayed that way. I suppose that was the only reason for us to be together – we didn't realize that there could be another way.

But pretty soon we knew what had to be done. It was better to go our own separate ways. I had enough to deal with – this damn vessel thing and all that Sam had done to me. We needed time alone. I couldn't look at my own brother who had been the centerpiece of my life. That was bad.

He's my everything, that Sasquatch. I was broken when he left for college. It's a big part of me to take care of him. He's my little brother and he needs me. I _have_ to take care of him. Dad hammered that thought into me: take care of Sammy. And I did. It became who I was, and it made us what we are. When he died, I couldn't live without him and so I made the deal. I'll never regret it. I only regret what it came to cost us both later, because after his death everything started to go wrong. I went to Hell and Sam had to cope with that. Hell was the thing that separated us. When I got back, world was a different place for me, and for Sam, too. Poor Sammy had been forced to live alone, stand on his own. Maybe that made him trust Ruby so much – no one else was left. Sammy has always been strong, but there are things everyone needs. We need each other. And that's why he became what I met when I returned – I had been taken from him. It's true that we've been apart before, but this time he didn't expect me to return to him. Always the other has been but a phone call away, and then he went to die and things started to go downhill very fast. It led as far as the end of the world and to us being away from each other. We didn't trust each other; we weren't a team. And so we went to our own ways. It hurt, but it was the only thing that could be done.

Sam called me once during our separation. He said that Lucifer had found him. He was meant to be Lucifer's vessel like I was meant to be Michael's meat suit. Ridiculous. Like all the possible forces of the world and even the impossible ones were trying to get us on opposite sides. But still I didn't feel the time was good for us to meet again. I was dealing with too much shit. I still felt like I couldn't look at my brother.

My trip to future made me realize something. I was without Sam there, I was a mess. I wasn't what I wished to be, and most of all, I was alone. Well, Cas was there, but it's not the same – he wasn't the same. Cas is a good friend, though a bit weird sometimes – must be the angel-thing – but he's not Sam and in the future he wasn't even himself. I could see clearly what I and Sam being apart might cost us if it went on. Sam was Lucifer's vessel and that face wasn't truly his when I met him there. I suppose that the trip was meant to show me what would happen if I didn't say yes, but I saw there something else. I knew I needed Sam near to keep him safe. God, Sam had called me and I had refused to get back together! That was a stupid action. When had I failed my brother when he needed me most? Not this time, at least. To my great relief he still agreed to come to meet me when I called him and asked for it. And we were together again. Something seemed to ease between us. He was the same kid I've been watching most of my life. We hunted again and found our bond.

So many things happened, things that made sense and things that totally didn't. Damn, Paris Hilton kicked my ass. That was almost as shocking as the whole situation. Too many people died, and Bobby had lost his legs. Jo and Ellen died just because they wanted to help us and we failed. How many angels got killed, I don't even know anymore. It all seemed to be a chaos without any sensible way to go. After Jo and Ellen were killed we seemed to find our way. The beginning of the apocalypse felt like fumbling in the dark and wondering what should be done.

It took a long time to realize what direction we should head next. And in the process I felt like everything was falling on me. The weight of the world on my shoulders was sometimes unbearable. I felt lost. All seemed to lead to one solution, saying yes to Michael. I only wanted it to end. Everything I did was too little, I tried my best but nothing worked. The world was going to end. It all depended on me. The question I was asked in the mental hospital on the case rang in my ears too often. "How do you get up in the morning?" I had no idea. Maybe because I had to. Maybe because Sam was there still. Maybe I just didn't have any other choice.

It got weirder all the time. We were thrown around in time and place, we were in the past and then in Heaven. I didn't like Heaven. People were alone there, really alone. And Sam's memories, oh God. It felt so bad to realize that I wasn't even in one of them. All of my memories were about family. Family is the thing that matters. Sam's memories were all about him being alone on his own, _without_ the family, without _me_. I was, in fact, surprised that not one of the memories was of the time I had been in Hell. Sam's heaven nearly crushed me. I wasn't part of it. I had thought that Sam cared for me even a little. But obviously he didn't. Realizing that hurt more than the beating from Zachariah or Mom's words about everybody leaving me. I threw the amulet away. It had no meaning anymore. Sam didn't want me and it didn't help finding God. So that was it. I had had enough. I couldn't take it anymore, it was all too much. I had always been forced to be the strong. I kept others upright. Dad had only wanted a warrior, not his son. Sam had never loved me, or so it seemed. I would say yes. I wanted it to end, and when a Winchester hadn't sacrificed himself willingly? All I had left was the fight, the fight that I knew I would lose. So why not go with dignity and give myself to the angels? A weird thought came to me when I left Sam and drove away.

I went to see Lisa. That visit was short and Lisa seemed to be more than confused first to find me and than just let me go right away. But I needed to see her before... it. I had no idea why, it just felt right.

Then this Adam- thing. Angels had given up on me. But I wasn't going to let them have Adam, he was family after all, though I never knew him. Finally it all came to the room where I had been before Lucifer rose. I don't know when I decided to still say no, whether it was when Castiel went in not knowing if he'd come back alive or when Sam fell to the floor spitting blood. Or maybe it was there all the time without even me knowing it. And so we got Zachariah but lost Adam. He was Michael's vessel now. I don't know if I was relieved or not.

Suddenly it was all about Sam. When we drove back to Bobby's place I knew Sam again. I had saved him - God knows how many times I'd still have to do it – and he was my brother again. The tension disappeared, we were us. Winchester brothers. Together. Together like we should have been all the time after Hell.

And that sudden finding of our bond didn't exactly help me to give him up to Lucifer, though everyone said to me that it had to be done. That Sam was going to jump into the cage with Lucifer. Bobby agreed to it, Death made me promise it would happen for his ring. It wasn't easy. No. I had to see my brother drinking demon blood again. I had to see Lucifer wearing his body. I had to witness him killing Castiel and Bobby. He was not strong enough after all. He even beat me up. But then something happened.

He was Sam again. He had control over the situation. _My little brother_ was strong enough to control the Devil. I was proud of him in my misery of knowing that I would have to let him go. "I've got him", he said. And too soon, after one, long look to me, he was down. Gone. My brother was gone, I was the last Winchester, and I was alone. Even when Castiel suddenly popped up from thin air and Bobby was alive again, I was alone. My brother had gone to Hell with Lucifer. This price was too high to pay, but still it was paid. All I had was my promise to Sam. I was going to find Lisa.

And I am still alone, even though Lisa and Ben are here. I am the last Winchester left. Sam said something like that to me once, being the last man standing when I was in Hell. He said it was the most difficult thing he had ever done. I know now what he meant. My brother and the meaning of my life were taken away from me. And I'll never get to tell Sammy some things that I'd like to.

_I love you, little brother, and I'm so damn proud of you. _

_A/N: Thank you for reading. I'd love to know what you thought about it, and if there were any mistakes, let me know.  
_


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